Comedy Gold!  Check out what happens when an uptight geek requests more free help from a designer.

It’s like twitter. Except we charge people to use it

Thanks to Rod Drury of Xero who posted this to Fruitbowl today.

Dear God, man! How could you possibly put this kind of information out there for the whole WORLD to see?!?!?! You know I’d disowned you if you hadn’t totally disappeared off the face of the earth already, right?

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!

I just saw that Harry Potter film.

A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

Disabled toilets.

Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

And I saved the best for last:

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

Apparently if you go “ah… ah…. ahhhhhhhh…. chOINK” you’ve got a problem. Otherwise, you’re just normal sick.

Okay so there’s LOTS of swine flu humour going around… This wee piccy has to be my favourite so far though.

(as always, click for bigger image)

‘THE KIWI APPROACH’

A young Kiwi bloke moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked ‘Do you have any sales experience?’

The young man answered ‘Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Auckland.’

The manager liked the Kiwi so he gave him the job. His first day on the Job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, ‘OK, so how Many sales did you make today?’

The Kiwi said ‘One!’

The manager groaned and continued, ‘Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?’

“£124,237.64″

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell?’

‘Well, first I sold the customer a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing And he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we Went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him Down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki’.

The manager, incredulous, said ‘You mean to tell me….a guy came in here to Buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4×4?’

“No no no…….he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend And I said ‘Well, since your weekend’s buggered, you might as well go fishing.’”

German boss fires staff for not smoking

The owner of a small German computer company has fired three non-smoking workers because they were threatening to disturb the peace after they requested a smoke-free environment.

The manager of the 10-person IT company in Buesum, named Thomas J., told the Hamburger Morgenpost newspaper he had fired the trio because their non-smoking was causing disruptions.

Germany introduced non-smoking rules in pubs and restaurants on January 1, but Germans working in small offices are still allowed to smoke.

“I can’t be bothered with trouble-makers,” Thomas was quoted saying. “We’re on the phone all the time and it’s just easier to work while smoking. Everyone picks on smokers these days. It’s time for revenge. I’m only going to hire smokers from now on.”

President Musharraf is sitting in his office contemplating the current crisis in Pakistan and drinking tea, when the phone rings……

“Tena koe, would that be President Musharraf?”

“Hello, yes, this is President Musharraf speaking, who is this and what do you want?”

“Well now Mushy, this is Tame Iti and I am ringing from the Tuhoe Embassy in Taneatua to tell you that we are officially declaring war on Pakistan !”

“I see,” President Musharraf replied, “this is indeed important news. How big is your Army?”

“Well” says Tame, “There is myself, my cousin Rangi, a couple of nephews, my next door neighbour Wiremu, Keith Locke and a couple of greenies and half of the rugby team from Ruatoki. That makes 16 altogether. We have been doing some cool training in the Ngahere out the back of Ruatoki using Osama’s handbook and we want to put it to use.”

Musharraf replies: “I must tell you Tame that I have one million men in my Army just waiting to move on my command.”

“AUE!!” says Tame, “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day Tame rings back: “Mushy, it’s me again Bro, the war is still on. We have managed to get hold of some infantry equipment.”

“And what equipment would that be?” President Musharraf asks.

“Well, we’ve got 2 tractors, 1 bulldozer and the loan of Wiremu’s Honda

90.”

President Musharraf sighs. “I must tell you Tame, that I have 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured carriers, some nuclear capability that George W doesn’t know about and I have increased my mobilised troops to one and a half million since we last spoke.”

“Are you tricking me?” says Tame. “I’ll have to get back to you on this one.”

Sure enough Tame rings the next day.

“President Musharraf, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves a Naval Arm! We’ve modified cousin Rangi’s outboard with a couple of 12 bore double-barrel shot guns in the front, and 4 Bro’s from the Mongrel Mob have joined us too.”

President Musharraf was silent for a moment, then he replies: “I must tell you Tame that I have 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missiles and since we last spoke I have called up some more reserves and increased my army to 2 million men.”

“E hoa!” said Tame, “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough the next day Tame rings “Morena, President Musharraf, I am sorry to tell you that we have to call off the war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that too” said Musharraf, “why the sudden change?”

“Well” said Tame, “we had a long korero over a few Waikatos and decided there’s no way the NZ Government can afford to feed us as well as 2 million prisoners!!”

This morning I was catching my news fix and was reading a story about that American Football player, Sean Taylor who was shot and killed recently.

If you flick through to the story it has a series of pictures of Taylor in action. Pic number 14 really got my attention. Turns out our favourite Bogan has a black, sorry, African American doppleganger. That got me curious. Who is this G. Jones, and what does he look like? So I asked Google. And Google provided (as it always tends to do in times of need.)

This is what I found: Larry G. Jones, entertainer.