Despite all my rage…..
“Someone will say what is lost can never be saved
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage”
As some of TGM may know that a while back I broke up with my girlfriend and partner of several years. And now i firmly believe that I have lost my mind because after she dumped me because she thought i cheated on her and because her mother convinced her that if she thought i was cheating on her than i was and couldnt be trusted (wow what a mouth full!) I still think about her daily and wish we were still together. I mean last night I even dreamed about her!. Unfortunately all this not longer matters to her because she has moved on and is now seeing a new man (i wonder if he has short brown hair and lots of freckles because thats how he appeared to me in my dream last night) and strangely enough I feel absolutely gutted. I have tried to move on (see The non-date from hell journal entry from December 2007) but I just cant. I know when i meet someone new that i will compare them to my ex, and truth be known, it actually feels like I am somehow cheating on her.
So what has all this got to do with a smashing pumpkins quote?
Well today after yet more contemplation i’m in a rage. We broke up approximately 12 weeks ago, in other words 3 months. Now in my opinion if you cared so much about someone you wanted to marry them and have children with them (as my ex claimed to feel about me) I don’t think you would be fully over them and ready to move on after 3 months. But this is exactly what she has done. Why does this put me in a rage? because I now feel like she never meant anything she said and that our whole relationship was nothing but a lie. And this rage is caged (nice rhyme larry!) because if i try to talk to her about it she cuts me off and well, even though she claims that she still loves me and still wants to be friends, when we do chat via txt or msn she hardly says anything and I have to make conversation. Hell most of the time she doesn’t even answer back!. I get the feeling the whole “i still want to be friends” is just another lie. She has lied to me before and the fact she does lie to me makes me so angry and not just at the fact she lied, but because I believe the lie.
And after all the lies and bull crap, i still care about her so much!.
I just wish she could feel the same way too.
Laz out, at ease men.
11
Jan
It’s a nice premise the whole “let’s still be friends” thing, but in a practical sense it hardly EVER works out. (Notice I didn’t say never, Jimi)
Anyhoo. It’s only natural to do a bit of pining in the months following a bust up. In my humble experience there generally is no going back. If you do go back things like mistrust fester below the surface and screw things up all round. Take yer time bud, but eventually you’ll find you’ll be ready to move on.
dont ask me, the last girl who still wanted to be friends, ended up going all weird and stalking me, so yeah
Yeah im still friends with a couple of ex’s, and though we occasionally chat they do act kinda weird, like there expecting me to do something but when i dont they act rejected.
p.s. i live in a giant bucket.
Tuesdays coming… did you bring your coat?
In my experience, the ‘friends’ part comes later – often more than a year at least. They may say they want to be friends or that they are your friend but there is always a lot of hurt and emotion that needs to die down first before real friendship can emerge. I think it is better to have a complete break from a person when you first break up to allow you both to lick your wounds and move on from the plans you had made and discover a new life path. But as Bren and I can prove, friendship can happen!
I have never stayed friends with any of my exes, I prefer the cut all ties approach to getting on with my life.