Larry visits….2nd layer of hell
Yes this edition is from the depths of darkness, a story straight from the pits of hell! yes my pretty’s this is evil in its purest, evilest, darkest, EVILEST, flamming red balls of fire, E, V, I, L form! yes! today Larry Visits…The Lower Hutt Post Shop!.
Now Im not saying Lower Hutt is a hell-hole, OOOOH NO! its not good enough to be called that yet, Its still stuck somewhere between Patea and a lump of dog poo.
The first thing I notice Is that its red. Like in your face red. As in even a blind man (screw person! yay for political INcorrectness!) could not miss seeing it. Its red-er than Santa Claus’s burst blood vessels in his drunk on christmas cheer and vodka face. Like REALLY red.
My purpose for this visit in to get a new vehicle LICIENCE.
Notice I said LICIENCE in big letters? more on that to follow.
Now unlike other richers in the world, I only get a 1/2 hour lunch break so I want my visit to be quick and painless. But I know its not gunna happen. Its gunna be a root canal instead of a quick brush and mouthwash. Seriously Lame.
Upon entry I have to squeeze past the many displays and magazine racks, so overloaded with stock that they might as well be just bunged in the bin when they get in. Seriously, how many magazines can one place sell? 10 million? I swear thats how many are on this rack. So many im not even tempted to take a quick peek at the latest Rugby World News for fear of being buried under a avalanche of glossy paper and junk mail.
I join the only cue there is (because the other counter is closed of course) which doesnt look like it has moved in about a 100 years. There is a old man with walking stick and an old lady with her walker. I wonder If i will look like them before im done here, then wonder if they had a baby now would it be born with wrinkles?. I shudder.
Eventually I get to the counter and am greeted with a “He Low, How Kan I Heap you?” and I freeze, I cant decipher what language she is using. Aramaic? Arabian? Hebrew? Yiddish? Gibberish???? oh I think its just a Seth Afrikarn accent.
“yeah gidday, I need to get a new rego for my car”
“harv yooooou FEELED out a forrrmmm?”
“um no, what form to i need to FILL out?”
“theece juan”
“sweet as, I’ll go fill it out now”
I get to the small section provided for such activites and the pen doesnt go. I move to the next one and get about 2 words filled in then it too doesnt go. I think to myself “My parkings going to expire soon” as I breathe deep and move to the final section where to my surprise the pen actually works!…but not properly.
I FEEL in the form and rejoin the cue. This time there is a lady with 2 kids, one who keeps moaning and trying to cry, and one who is trying to touch their brain via there nose. God damn that finger is a long way in!, and wow he sure does like the taste of his brain!.
Again im at the front of the cue and its my turn to try and decipher what the Gate Keeper is trying to say. She glances at the form and types something into the computer way too fast that she makes mistake after mistake and has to delete damn near everything and do it again.
“O, wee harv a problem hair”
“whats that?”
“thee registration numbar you harv used is alred e arse-signed to anarthar ve-hick-kill”
“aye?”
“yessss its fore a marzda demi-eww”
“um yeah thats the car I have”
“ooooh do you want to re-LICIENCE youre ve-hick-kill?”
“yeah i suppose that is what I have to do to get a little square card for the windshield so the police dont have any excuse for me to give them more money for pepperspray, handcuffs, fast food and pornography”
“oh kay, wheel, you need to feel in theece form instead”
Angry I look at the time, I was supposed to be back at work 4 miutes ago. I fill in form number two and wait in cue again.
And after what seems like an eternity I am served again. The stupid old crow at the front of the cue hasnt heard of cash or eftpos, she counts out her payment in coins, loses count, tries again and eventually Satan counts it for her.
And like last time, Irene Van Dykes mum types, deletes, types, deletes, types, deletes and I feel my hair turning grey. I finally get my vehicle LICIENCE and head for the door. But no! I am trapped! there is no way out!. There is a grey haired granny blocking one path, an angry looking ethnic minority blocking another, and a trolley full of new magazines for the magazine rack in the other.
……….GOD DAMNIT.
Tune in next time for more adventures from Larry Visits…
Same Bat time.
Same Bat channel.
Laz out.
At Ease.
17
Apr
You have a gift Larry. And I’m loving that I’m constantly the first to comment
lol thats because your the only person who visits here to comment! : – P
BRENDAN IS GAY…I have proof!.
lets see if that gets his attention!.
I think he has been away somewhere – Facebook says he will be out of the office until 19th April, please leave a message after the beep….. But that probably means he will soon be back with a red pen, editing posts
BEen in Waiouru for ten days. No internet and virtually no cell phone coverage… GREAT time though… and no… no red pen here… too busy laughing.
What Teh Phuck were you doing in waiouru?
playing soldier boy?
Pretty much – just made a post about it!