Larry visits….Christchurch
Yes its true, its damn true. I visited christchurch the other day. And my nose grows like pinocchio’s.
The feeling I got when I hopped of the plane was a strange one. I was wearing a blue t-shirt that had a little white stripe across the chest. Immediately I noticed people looking and sneering. I even heard someone mutter “go back to your own damn city you northern monkey”. To say I was uncomfortable was an understatement, I was damn scared when a tractor and trailer pulled up with a load of hicks with pitchforks and slack jaws….
Then It dawned on me. I was wearing Blue and White. They thought I was an Aucklander!. I quickly got my bag and changed into an old Stratford rugby jersey, that just happens to be red and black. As soon as I wandered out into public again I noticed people where nicer and actually talkative. No more sneering except to the minorites that were scattered about. I was safe. Unless they found out Stratford is in the north island and Im still a northern monkey, but no chance of that happening because southerners are stupid….
I hopped into a cab and said “AMI stadium please”
“what?” was the cabbies articulate response,
“A M I STAY DE UM PLEASE” I said trying to make it easier for him to understand,
“What?”
“I want to go to AYE EM EYE STAY DE UM!” i said angrily,
“WHAT?”
WHAT THE FECK? AM I TALKING TO STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN? WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT!
“Can you please take me to the rugby stadium where the crusaders and canterbury play rugby at, I want to go see my cousin”
“oh why didnt you say so?” turns out the stadium had just been renamed 5 minutes earlier……
“so what fine player is your cousin?” says the cabbie
“Kieren Read” I reply
“who?”
“kieren Read”
“who?”
God damnit i want to kill this cabbie…
“Kieren Read, he plays blindside flanker and wears a number 6 on his jersey”
“oh Reado is your cousin! yeah hes a great flanker, though not as good as Richie!”
By now ive got my hands ready to clasp around his neck and start squeezing untill the breathing stops. I decide to be kind to these simple towns folk and let him live.
I finally get to the ground and catch up with Reado and Richie and Sladey and Thorny and Bretty and Crotty (yeah that is just his last name, Im surprised they didnt call him crotty’y!) and give them all some pointers on how to play some decent rugby and not the kick and prey it dont miss they have played all season.
Finally im off to meet fellow TGM’er Slink. I get to his place and knock on the door and wait. I knock again and wait some more. I knock AGAIN and still I wait. Finally a drunk guy opens the door,
“yearsh?” is his drunken greeting
“yeah is Slink home?”
“no schlink ere”
oops wrong house…better try the next one. I knock on the door and wait, even longer than last time. I knock 10 times before a guy with bloodshot eyes finally answers
“yeah man what do you want?”
“is this slinks place?”
“who?” …I start to clench my fists,
“SLINK”
“nah man no slink here dude”
oops wrong house again, ok better try this last one before I go on a violent rampage and kill some hookers. I knock at the door and wait, not quite as long as I had to wait before but during the time I hear some talking and rummaging around. Finally a red in the face Slink opens the door
“hey slink finally found ya!” I say
“heya larry come in dude!”
I go in and and he introduces me to his red in the face girl friend. Hmmm I wonder, whay are they so red in the face? OOOHHH they where having some sexing, no wonder!.
Then it dawns on me, Christchurch is such a boring place!. There is nothing to do there except drink, smoke drugs, root and be rude to outta towners!. Wow just like wellington!.
Join me next time when I make fun of anyone who lives in wellington.
Laz out.
At ease.
22
Apr
Sorry Gem , beat you too it.
Hmmm, not far from the truth, except I’m sure Slink was home alone…
Be careful what you say about Wellington, Mr Moon is an honorary Wellingtonian.
Me too Baldrick….Thats why im gunna make fun of Wellingtown.
That’s ok Baldrick, I blame my bosses for getting to work early and stopping my morning hour of checking emails and catching up on TGM and Facebook
Honorary???? Is that all I get… I was born there, man. I’m Wellingtonian through and through